The performance is over. ‘End Of The Line’ has been performed and complete and to be honest I am completely and utterly gutted. Something I have worked on for so many months is actually done and I have loved every stage of it. Although their have been points I have wondered whether I will manage to finish it, whether I was on the right track or whether I was being too personal or not acknowledging my audience enough, I will miss the work and effort that has gone into it. Overall I am proud. I am proud I could create a message in such a small amount of time (8 to 12 minute performance). I am proud my Nan and Mam and friends were able to see my passion for both acting and research into Alzheimer’s. Most of all I am proud of myself, yes that sounds weird but I am. I am never one to open up to people. I find it difficult, what happens in my life I will deal with myself and I will get through it, I am headstrong, stubborn and lets face it, … But I managed to create a performance about something so personal to me, such a heart-breaking subject and difficult thing for me to talk about, I managed to perform to 32 people. If I wasn’t proud of that then I would be worried.
I think it is first necessary for me to acknowledge what I feel went right about my performance. Firstly the tech. I am so happy with how the tech turned out on the day, all down to the haze that we used to make it look like I was stood under a lamppost at a train station. I felt each destination had their own lighting which really fit well especially the Sunderland match. I loved how it looked as if their was a flood light and I had seating like at an actual match and the slight green reflection of the stadium grass. My favourite lighting by far however is when the train would pass. The three rectangle spots which would flash on and off at different points in order to look as if it was going past, the 3 spots looked like windows and as the audience were sat in the perfect place it looked as if the audience members shadows were people in the windows. I couldn’t have asked for better for what I was trying to create.
The setting itself once again I didn’t feel like I would be able to do as much as I did. Although yes some parts were simple and I relied on lighting and my memory I loved how much I got to use the space. The simplicity of the track so it didn’t take too much away from the actual performance was just enough for me to get the laugh that I was hoping for.
I was quite shocked if I am honest at just how humorous my audience found my performance. Of course this was my aim, I wanted to add a light humour to such a difficult subject but I guess because I had written and rehearsed it s much I forgot some of the comedic value at certain parts. I didn’t realise for one moment how much the audience would take on my Granda’s character. The voice/accent, the hat I placed on when I was him, the stance and expression. It was unbelievable to have such a response to a character which means so much to me. The suitcase as well really turned out well and I definitely got a stronger laugh than expected, I feel it was because it was so unique and random that it broke the tension growing form the memories, it added as a nice break for the audience. Finally the speeches, I liked the silence at the start, the listening audience actually questioning themselves about how much they plan their own lives, to then follow up with another silence from the audience as I began to relive this moment. To show how powerful a plan is and the problems it can sometimes cause. the laughter shifted and people began to truly listen to what I was saying. Shocking both myself and the audience at the realisation that hit each and everyone of them at that moment in time when I opened up a little bit more about the subject. The word I never did mention.
If I was to ever do this production again their are definitely a few things I would alter. One being the use of technology. At the beginning I had so many ideas for videos, pictures, voice overs. The overlapping of each item to create confusion, for the lights to become dim and sounds become an echoing around the place as if echoing around the mind not knowing when they will be caught. I feel these technical elements would have added to my performance, would have made it more personal, maybe a tad more humorous especially if including Sunderland chants from the match. It would have not only allowed the audience to actually hear and see my Granda but would have also added more life to each memory and destination. This does not mean that I am not really pleased with the work I have created it just means I feel I could have got more from my audience and made them think more with these changes in place.
If I had more time and money I would have also made a track. If I was to ever make this a production I can imagine the set. It would be huge. I would have different destinations and my audience stood in the middle. that way the audience would have to move around with me as well. Although I would have my track to follow they would also have to move so that they could see each destination. Plus a larger track would have been more visible to the audience, allowing them to see where the performance was set rather than simply hearing a train and listening to the sounds. I like the simplicity of performances and how you can allow each individual audience member to use their imaginations and create more stories from the one you are introducing. However, as their was a specific message I wanted to create I feel that with more set and a larger place to perform I could have engaged my audience members even more. Getting them involved in the performance itself.
It is difficult at this point to say yes I definitely would have changed this, or I wish I had done this, but their are aspects I wish I had maybe thought about in advance. Such as I was gutted that my train conductor hat did not turn up in time. This was a part of my performance which I had taken for granted and in the end when performing, I had to simply change my stance and voice, to allow the audience to see the change, where as the hat would have not just helped the audience realise this but also would have been quite humorous especially when sitting on the case. I also wish I had thought through more ways of spelling out Alzheimer’s so that even though I did not say it, it could be seen on my case. I know I had the idea of having each destination hung down as if a sign at a station above each place. However, when I attempted to take the letters I needed from each sign, it looked really messy. If I had longer, and a larger budget I feel I could have made it work, to have had a standing signs, and as I was about to leave to go to the next destination, I would stand take the couple of letters, put them in place on my suitcase and move on. I feel that because my performance was limited to 8 to 12 minutes this was not possible within the time frame. However it would be a nice add in if I was too extend this performance. If I was to extend I would also go in to more depth with each memory. Set the scene as I am talking to my audience, to show some of the match, do the chants, explain what you walk past on your way in, the expectations and the food that you get. I could have done derby day matches which would give a different inkling as to what my Granda used to be like watching the match and what he is like now, having a season ticket but not having gone to a match in 3 years. I would have performed parts of ‘The Wizard Of Oz’. To have shown a video of my Granda performing. This would have allowed me to perform as more characters, as well as showing more of the production. I could have also gone into more depth about his acting and singing and how it has made not only a huge impact on myself, and what I would like to do in the future, but also my family. My final memory I could of almost gone on a walk through the park, explained each aspect of it, the bench we always sit on, the drive we have to get their, the same ice cream van, the same pond, the same circle of actions which we repeat every time we go to the park. I feel this would have helped to emphasise the memories my Granda has and how he is comforted by the same tasks that he is able to remember. Of course these are alterations I would make if I had more time and I was putting on say an hour/hour and a half performance. I could also include into this more speaking with the audience rather than at them, I could get some people to call out their fondest memories, or everyone to write them down and I could read a couple and with that, then lead on to say, what if you didn’t have these memories, what if they were no longer there. Your mind couldn’t connect the paths and it was as if it never happened. Your fondest and closest memories you carry so dear, are gone and you will not get them back. I believe this kind of start would engage my audience more as I would be directing everything at them and getting them to answer me rather than just think, it would also provoke a stronger reaction as I would be talking about their memories as well as my own.
I also would have loved to have seen more of a development with my Granda’s ‘character’. Of course this would help if the audience could see pictures videos and hear voice overs of him as they would then recognise when I was performing as him. However, I would have also liked to have shown the deterioration more, in clothes, voice and manner. The first time I perform as my Granda I could stand with a suit jacket, his hat, his glasses, all suited and booted looking very trim and proper. Then as the memories get weaker, his suit jacket comes off, his hair becomes scruffy in that it is not in a specific place. His face would become torn down, and characterisation would be tired, slouched, barely moving and barely listening to what is going on around him. This would have given a more powerful statement as to what actually occurs with the deterioration of Alzheimer’s and how a once professional person who never had a hair out of place slowly becomes one who is unable to clean.
Overall I am proud and ecstatic at what I have achieved. I am glad in the end I had a ‘proper’ audience (more than the 4 people I expected) to see my work. I feel the comedic side of my performance was effective and I had comments after saying they were glad I took a light hearted approach to such a difficult subject. I am happy with the route I took and the changes that were made to get to my final performance. I don’t thin I could have done it without the help of my group, their encouragement when I felt it too personal a subject to discuss helped build my confidence, and I fear without that I would not have been able to stand on the stage a perform what I did. If there is anything I have learnt, it is to stand on your own, ask others what they think, don’t fear what people are going to say because it could open up a whole new opportunity. But mostly I have learned what solo is and I feel this the most important throughout. The style of solo is completely different to any other I have taken on, yet it was comforting. To be myself, show my personality and my imagination was inspiring. It allowed me to see that the line between audience and actor truly is invisible and with this a whole new style of acting is created. What you see in my performance is myself. the struggles, the happiness, the sadness, and my way of telling a story. It’s been an adventure with many a fall backs but ending on this point, feeling this happy and engaged with the performance I created is an honour, and I hope one day I will get to extend this performance and truly show Alzheimer’s for what it is, in a way where people can understand, and watch the deterioration. At the end of the day “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”(Lee, 1960) I hope my performance allowed my audience to see a new side to Alzheimer’s, and to see that such an awful disease does occur, but we have to do what we can and take the time we do have. To let go of plans and make the life we live happy and enjoyable. After all we should still live, while we have the ability to.
Lee, H. (1960). To kill a mockingbird. Philadelphia: Lippincott.