This is the beginning of my process of creating a solo performance. I am scared, excited, fearful of my ideas and audi9ence but cannot wait to begin. I have one idea in mind, one idea I have thought about for a while. The idea of Alzheimer’s, the progression of such a disease and the slow deterioration of someone’s mind. I started by writing a piece about my Granda, to try and get my brain going with ideas. I have done a lot of volunteer work with those with Alzheimer’s and dementia and one of the most upsetting things is when someone talks down to them and those who are helping, caring and watching the decline. Those people who do not understand the depth of the disease and the heartache felt each day. My writing began:
If you have never known or seen anyone with this unfortunate disease then do not comment on it. Their ability to remember is stricken, their identity is lost and their personality changed forever. Time no longer means a thing, it is no longer understood. Seconds are minutes, days, months. Everyday activities or humanities are lost. We take each day for granted, the menial tasks we complete without thought, it becomes instinct. But what if that instinct is no longer there? You no longer recognise faces, family members, friends, locations, your own home. You feel lost in the one place which should comfort you. You fear the people which whom should be welcoming to you. You forget where the toilet is or how to go. You forget how to clean yourself or why you should do it in the first place. Overall, you begin to slowly forget yourself. Your speech, movement, your mind.
To be left with piercing eyes which echo the memories you fail to remember. Looking at yourself in the mirror, but seeing an elderly person staring back, fearing a burglar but slowly coming to the realisation that in fact its you. But you are no longer someone you know.
So unless you’ve been their, unless you’ve seen it. Don’t comment because you do not know. You may feel you do, you may have read, have heard or simply acknowledge that this disease is occurring around the world, but you do not understand. And you definitely do not feel the pain and suffering of the person, or loved one watching as their friend of family member slowly begins to fade to an image of a lost soul who once stood proud and strong.
Still as I read over my own words I feel that bubble in my throat, the pain of watching someone fall with such a disease. Its times like this I feel strength however. That I know I am doing this performance for a reason, yes their may be a message within it but it is also to help myself. To show my personality and show that people struggle its understandable and completely acceptable. I am definitely going to do a performance about my Granda and Alzheimer’s however it is difficult as no one actually knows my Granda has Alzheimer’s. I do not want to go too personal, I don’t want this performance to be me showing how much it hurts or how upsetting it is. If anything I want to create a piece which shows the deterioration but also shows the hope that is there when you have the right people around you to care for you. One step ahead and 4 steps back I believe. This is the start though.