Month: February 2016

There’s something intriguing yet frightening about standing in front of an audience and talking directly to them, do you plan exactly what to say? Do you improvise around a subject or characters? Do you always know what you want out of the performance or does it depend on the audience?

I almost find myself wondering whether I can actually perform in front of my fellow class mates without a script or true idea of what I would like to achieve from my performance. Yet sometimes by being chucked out there you create some of the best work you have done or you find yourself performing in a way you never thought you were able to do. I pick my 3 hats and the only idea left in my head is to take everyone back home with me, to show them the different characters you walk past when walking down a street in Newcastle. I found this task extremely difficult, whether because I was afraid of what I may produce or the reaction from my audience I can not put my finger on what the problem was, yet when I began I just went with it. I didn’t think about what I was doing or what I was saying I simply thought about that person and what they would say, how they would speak, what would they do with their body and their physicality? I believe by doing this, by allowing myself to get lost with the character I created something so much better than if I had completely planned what I was going to say for each of the 3 characters. However what is to think about is how you automatically perform. Why do a lot of performers feel the need to go to humour? Does this build our confidence as performers as we are able to hear if they are enjoying it or not? Maybe the next time I perform in front of the class I should attempt something serious? Push myself to see whether I am afraid to perform serious situations or whether I just automatically go to humour for security.

 

This is the beginning of my process of creating a solo performance. I am scared, excited, fearful of my ideas and audi9ence but cannot wait to begin. I have one idea in mind, one idea I have thought about for a while. The idea of Alzheimer’s, the progression of such a disease and the slow deterioration of someone’s mind. I started by writing a piece about my Granda, to try and get my brain going with ideas. I have done a lot of volunteer work with those with Alzheimer’s and dementia and one of the most upsetting things is when someone talks down to them and those who are helping, caring and watching the decline. Those people who do not understand the depth of the disease and the heartache felt each day. My writing began:

 

If you have never known or seen anyone with this unfortunate disease then do not comment on it. Their ability to remember is stricken, their identity is lost and their personality changed forever. Time no longer means a thing, it is no longer understood. Seconds are minutes, days, months. Everyday activities or humanities are lost. We take each day for granted, the menial tasks we complete without thought, it becomes instinct. But what if that instinct is no longer there? You no longer recognise faces, family members, friends, locations, your own home. You feel lost in the one place which should comfort you. You fear the people which whom should be welcoming to you. You forget where the toilet is or how to go. You forget how to clean yourself or why you should do it in the first place. Overall, you begin to slowly forget yourself. Your speech, movement, your mind.

To be left with piercing eyes which echo the memories you fail to remember. Looking at yourself in the mirror, but seeing an elderly person staring back, fearing a burglar but slowly coming to the realisation that in fact its you. But you are no longer someone you know.

So unless you’ve been their, unless you’ve seen it. Don’t comment because you do not know. You may feel you do, you may have read, have heard or simply acknowledge that this disease is occurring around the world, but you do not understand. And you definitely do not feel the pain and suffering of the person, or loved one watching as their friend of family member slowly begins to fade to an image of a lost soul who once stood proud and strong.

 

Still as I read over my own words I feel that bubble in my throat, the pain of watching someone fall with such a disease. Its times like this I feel strength however. That I know I am doing this performance for a reason, yes their may be a message within it but it is also to help myself. To show my personality and show that people struggle its understandable and completely acceptable. I am definitely going to do a performance about my Granda and Alzheimer’s however it is difficult as no one actually knows my Granda has Alzheimer’s. I do not want to go too personal, I don’t want this performance to be me showing how much it hurts or how upsetting it is. If anything I want to create a piece which shows the deterioration but also shows the hope that is there when you have the right people around you to care for you. One step ahead and 4 steps back I believe. This is the start though.